Saturday, June 7, 2014

Dysfunctional Human Beings

I get a lot of ideas for things to write about from my Twitter feed. Many times, what defines the difference between, "Wow I'm gonna share that," and "OMG I am SO writing about this," is what I call the Ridiculous Factor, or RF. This morning, Twitter really delivered when someone Tweeted a post called, "Things Guys Do That Girls Hate."  It made me weep for every male friend I've ever had. The original post, in addition to having an RF that's off the charts, is kind of annoying to navigate but follow along with me.

#10 Complain About Her Friends
"So he sat there telling her all about how he isn’t her best friends biggest fan…he must have a death wish! Do not tell a girl you don’t like her friends, no matter how much you mean to her. Her friends have been there from the start and could be there forever. Relationships dint [sic] always last but friendships do so think twice before you insult her friends. Sometimes the less you say the better!"

Ladies, guys are not dating your friends. Sometimes your friends are going to do things that make the guy you're dating annoyed, angry, or frustrated. That guy you're dating, he's your friend too...or at least should be. As such, he should be able to express his feelings to you. If he's placing demands on you or attempting to control your friendships, that's different. But your friends don't have to be in love with your boyfriend nor does he have to be in love with your friends.

#9 Act Different Around His Friends
"He’s all cute and cuddly when he’s just with his girl but when he’s with his friends he’s a totally new guy! All girls think they have the most amazing guy, but when we see him with his friends our opinion can completely change. No one likes two faced people. Be the real you with your friends and your other half, don’t pick and choose how you’re going to act depending on who you’re with."

So, let me get this straight. Guys must love my friends but I don't have to like theirs. When I'm with a guy around my girlfriends, the guy should be #1. I shouldn't trade makeup tips, listen to girl music, or talk about chick flicks or else I'm being two-faced. I shouldn't expect my boyfriend to be mature enough to handle it if a hot guy walks by and my girlfriends and I notice. OF COURSE we ladies act differently around our friends and we shouldn't hold guys to a different standard.

#8 One Word Answers
"Ok…yes…no…Can anyone think of a more annoying way to have a conversation. If you don’t want to talk then tell them, don’t make conversation a chore. She’ll get annoyed and think she’s annoying you as well. Save the dramas and just say ‘can we talk soon, I’m busy’ rather than short one word answers. If you don’t have the time, let her know so you can have a better conversation later on."

If held to this same standard, I will absolutely end up alone in a house full of rescue animals. If there is anyone on the face of this Earth who can appreciate that sometimes a guy is engrossed in other thoughts, busy, or has simply used up all his brain power to the point all he can give is one word answers, it's this girl.

#7 Forget Everything
"So you have both arranged a night out, he’s forgotten the time, the day, and even the place…did he really want to go or did he just agree? If he is forgetting little plans like this then does he really want to do them or does he just say yes to prevent arguments. It would be nice if he remembered from time to time, even if it means he has to write it down 100 times for it to sink in, at least he made an effort to remember."

So let me let you into a little reality of my life. It's hard for me to plan stuff in advance. You want to do what at a specific time in 4 days? That's FOUR WHOLE DAYS from now. And then there is the reality that even after making plans, I sometimes have to cancel because something comes up. I wrote something recently where I said, "I can't be anyone's girlfriend even if I wanted to, at least the way most guys want." This. This right here is why. Also, my ADD is real. I constantly find myself in a state of, "OMG that's TOMORROW." So if a guy forgets little plans, or has to be reminded of the what when and where, I am the last person to ascribe that to him, "really not wanting to do them."

#6 Forget to Reply
"This might be done by accident, and usually it is so we can’t really get upset about it, but it’s still a bad move. Just apologize and get the conversation going again. She can’t stay mad forever but don’t argue over a mistake, it’s not worth it. Reply nicely and move on…don’t dwell on it, just try not to do it again."

What even IS this? What does this even mean? I will assume it's talking about text messages. Oh yes, because if I text you, and you don't reply, I'll be sitting in my room crying until I get an apology. Or maybe I'll send you 10 more texts asking why you don't reply. REALLY? I strongly suggest any ladies in this mindset go out and get a life.

#5 Pull Away In Public
"At home you’re all over each other and in public it’s like you don’t know each other, let alone in a relationship. We get that public affection isn’t everyone’s favorite thing but is hand holding really too much to ask for? You should be proud to call her your girlfriend not trying to hide it. If you can’t do that then how do you really feel about her? She’ll think the same and start panicking. If you love her show her, no matter where you are."

Yeah, guys, your mission in life should be to cater to insecure girls who need you to put your affections on display because they view this as proving their self-worth to themselves and others. No matter how hot things are in private, the only way to show a girl "how you really feel about her" means you have to put on a show to convince the public at large. PUH-LEEZ. If you want to touch a girl in public and she's fine with that, do it. If she's mad because you don't do it, back slowly away then RUN.

#4 Showing Up Late
"Girls are the ones who are supposed to be fashionably late so we expect you to be there waiting for us already, not the other way round. It can take girls hours to get ready and when she’s spent all that time making herself look amazing for you, after standing out in the wind for 20 minutes waiting for him doesn’t do the best of things for her hair. All that time will be wasted and she will be freezing cold and probably unhappy, a cheeky smile can only get you out of so much. Get there early next time."

So, the time girls spend getting ready is for guys and if a guy is exceptionally late, girls aren't worrying about whether he was in a car accident or something; they are worried about their hair. And if you show up 20 minutes late, you have completely wasted a girl's time because the whole idea was to get you to appreciate the way she looked and now there is no point in sharing an activity you might both enjoy or time together that could enhance your relationship. BULLSHIT.

#3 Being Messy
"We get that it doesn’t have to be spotless all of the time but, there’s a limit. We can stand a few glasses here and there and maybe plates but when they reach double figure, there’s going to be a problem. It’s not too much to ask to keep the place presentable and liveable is it? It’s easier to tidy as you go along then a huge clear up at the end of the week."

Yeah. This is such a big deal because if a mess is bothering you, you can't do something about that. And of course, when you snag yourself a man, ladies, you gotta "train" that man right, don't you? How about having real conversations about the division of responsibilities in your household and each person's preferences. How about compromise? How about that?

#2 Not Listening
"His favorite TV show is on, you won’t get him to listen to anything while that’s playing. When it’s over and he still won’t listen that’s when girls get frustrated. It can be like talking to a brick wall sometimes and that’s no fun. We don’t say things for our own benefit, we say them so you know what’s going on. We tell you then when the time comes there will always be that ‘well you never told me’ conversation. Guys, we probably did. You just weren’t paying attention."

So let's just go full-on stereotype on men, why don't we? There is nothing else to say to this except I am so so sorry to all the men in the world and let out a great big sigh of utter disgust that some women put you through this level of ridiculousness and drama.

#1 Not Appreciating What We Do
"We don’t want a bunch of flowers every time we do the dishes, but a thank you every now and then will work just fine. It shows that he is realizing what his girl is doing for him and that he actually does appreciate you. Don’t let all her hard work go unnoticed."

This is number one? You show someone you appreciate them through your actions. Doing nice things for others should be about making that person feel good, not to get attention from them. Self-esteem comes from how you feel about yourself and your work. If you don't care about yourself, no one else can fill that missing piece for you.

So ladies and gentlemen, we have now completed today's tour of the ridiculous.

Ladies, if you are treating gentlemen like this, shame on you. You're already miserable and are just setting yourself up for further misery. Try focusing on yourself instead of trying to make some guy as miserable as you are.


  1. It's hard to be a functional human being in a dysfunctional Society ... but you're doing it so well it makes the others seem ... tired!

  2. Thank you so much for pointing out the paradoxical nature of these ten cardinal sins of dating. I wish I could throw a Shrek doll at the original author and scream 'I'm an onion! I have layers!' and laugh wildly at the ridiculous pursuit of the PERFECT GUY that doesn't even exist in movies.